Apr 27, 2009
I'm not supposed to feel like this
Warning you this is more of a personal/therapy entry so read at your own risk.
I have really been debating about whether to post about this or not but I figured oh well judge me how you will I guess. Anyway Beau came Thursday evening, and thats when I started crying and haven't really stopped. I feel like I have made a horrible mistake and because of it a wonderful little boy is going to suffer, I thought I was ready for this we have wanted it for so long and have begged and pleaded with the Lord to send us children. And he finally did and now I feel even more upset than ever. I have felt so much pressure to make this work ( brought on mostly by myself) and that I have to make it work and adopt him. His social worker didn't help saying how wonderful this was going to be, how we were perfect for him, ect... The problem is I feel no connection to him what so ever and don't honestly feel like this is supposed to be forever, which kills me because I want it to work so badly. I know its only been a few days and these things take time but I honestly don't know if this is going to work. I am going to try my best to make this work. But I honestly just don't know. Its not that I have already made up my mind its not going to work, I want it to and am honestly going to give it all I've got. I just don't know it just doesn't feel right, right now. He doesn't call us mom or dad which is fine, we didn't expect him to and we don't refer to ourselves as mom and dad either.
He's a great kid he really is no real problem that we have seen
Poor Cale I have been so stressed out and upset its just breaking his heart, we finally have a child and he finally has the son he has always wanted and I am a wreck, he says it buyers remorse :) but I just don't know. He's already half in love with the kid and Beau is already attached to him like glue, seriously he wants very little to do with me, which I really am ok with. He has so much on his plate and now he has a wife who is falling apart. It kills me to know the hell I am putting him through. The poor guy has no outside outlet to talk to about all this. This is not how I envisioned feeling nor is it how I want to feel. It's been so bad that I actually talked to the bishop about it and he is going to arrange for us to talk to someone about it. Its only been a few days. But I can't continue like this, luckily the kid doesn't really have a clue. And thankfully they moved the termination trial back to July instead of May.
So in the mean time I am trying to just take it one day at a time.
Cale says I have a "Post Placement Depression" and has been incredibly supportive. He says this is a rough adjustment on him as well. Who knows, all I know is that we thought it would feel differently. THIS REALLY SUCKS AND IS COMPLETELY UNFAIR.
So judge how you will, but this feels just plain awful.
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5 comments:
What you are feeling is SO COMPLETELY NORMAL... unless you get a baby (and even then sometimes). It can take a long time to establish even a little bit of a bond. In fact, it's common to take anywhere from three weeks to a few months to even establish a comfortable family 'groove'.
Not every kid is a good match for every family - that's one of the reasons there is usually such a long live in trial period - but you might be surprised and find that in a few weeks you start growing more attached. Your little boy has been raised by other people with other family traditions and habits and ideas, so it makes perfect sense that you don't feel connected. It's not something you should feel bad about, it's just what it is.
Fostering/adopting is filled with so many unique experiences that most biological families would never begin to imagine (both good and bad), so there is no standard to base your feelings on. If you can relax a little, take some time off each day to pamper yourself, that might help - it's hard to go from not having kids to suddenly having a 7 year old and an instant family (I don't think it is ever what we imagine it will be like).
We've been there a few times and if you want someone to talk to, feel free to email me or even call.
Oh, and get as much sleep as possible - it makes it all a little easier!
Oh Sharon,
I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. I think feeling that you don't have a place in the scheme of things is what may be hitting you so hard. You've lost that "my world, my space" kind of living and have to now re-define that area. Especially since Beau has attatched to Cale. Plus you have to share Cale and that too can be hard when you haven't worked up to that in any way. I may be off the mark but that is what your post sounded like to me. And your feelings are completely validated here. You are in unchartered territory and once you have regained your sense of self and purpose you may feel a lot better about it. You may be right that Beau isn't the right fit for your home but in all reality it hasn't been long enough to tell and I think your feelings stem more from a complete change in your role than anything else. Your just a little lost right now and needing a lot of support and love. If you need to talk I too am more than happy to listen. Please call anytime. Email me for my number if you need it. redstonius@hotmail
With love,
Chloe
I completely understand your feelings! And agree with what everyone has said so far. But you may be totally right that he isn't the right fit. My only advice is that you give it a chance to grow into something. Give it time. It might, it might not. The guilt can be exhausting. Thinking that you made a mistake, you're his last chance, what if I don't ever love him...the list could go on forever. Don't be so hard on yourself. I have cried a lot over the same exact things. I felt like it was my obligation to give them a permanent placement. I told everyone I would, including them! But the answer we have received is that it is Ok, what ever decision we make, Heavenly Father has an answer. If he has a plan and we decide something he has a plan for what we have decided. Right. One of the biggest lessons I have learned so far is I might not be "the plan" but in the mean time the kids deserve for me to try. And in the mean time we have made good memories and a good home.
P.S. I told Sean this last weekend when I was checking your blog and fb and you hadn't wrote anything that I was thinking you were feeling these exact things you wrote. The expectations for something like this are pretty high. For you guys, him and the situation. Sean told me the other day "You should write her back and tell her that she needs to think of this as a foster placement first and see if grows into something better." Easier said than done but good advice none the same. Call if you need to. Kim
Well, this may or may not help: but I think that every parent goes through the "I'm not cut for this" feeling at some point - some more often than others. I had some sort of baby blues when I had Clara and although it's 100% hormonal (that's how we, women, are: hormonal beings) I felt many times that I couldn't do it, that I couldn't pull it off. But time, prayer and our husband's love cures everything. Give it time. And give Beau all your love; in giving him love and care, even when you feel it's forced and not quite "there" you'll grow a genuine love for him. I hope everything turns out for you. You've waited and persevered in faith for this to happen. The adversary is going to try to convince you otherwise, because he knows that you're a woman, and you're sensitive and motherhood to you is an instict, your divine role. He will put a lot of effort into trying to convince you that this was a mistake. Being a parent isn't easy, and if it takes us to make huge leaps of faith every day of our lives, so be it. But you know what you stand for, Sharon. You stand for having an eternal family. You believe in it, you want it; and you know you're worthy to have it. Don't give in to that one who only wants you to be unhappy. Give in to Cale, to the Heavenly Father and to this little guy that needs you and one day will have you to thank for, for all the great things he learned and the gospel and the faith he saw in his mother growing up. We love you! And we hope all this settles and you can be happy again and have the family you ever dreamt of.
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